We all have that inner voice—often critical, sometimes harsh—that can cast shadows on our self-esteem and well-being. We might feel like we aren't where we thought we'd be in life, we are failing as a parent, we aren't enough for our partners, our bodies don't look the way we want them to... the list goes on. This inner critic, born from past experiences, societal pressures, or deep-seated insecurities, can become a relentless force that hinders our growth and joy.
With the right tools and a shift in perspective, it’s possible to transform this critical voice into one of compassion and understanding. This guide offers a holistic approach to healing your inner critic through self-compassion.
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Why do we criticize ourselves?
1. Someone in our life was highly critical of us
I want you to ask yourself a powerful question when you are feeling self critical. “Whose voice is this?” Chances are it’s not yours. Children aren’t born with an innate sense of self hatred. They absorb the messages being given to them about their worth and don’t have the developmental capacity to decide whether what they’re hearing is true.
The answer to this question may be something direct like a parent, or something indirect like societal messaging. Our environment details what we value, what we fear and what we believe about ourselves. Unfortunately, so many of us have been taught that we aren't good enough, our needs are burden to others or our feelings aren't important.
Answering this question starts to externalize the critical voice from your own. Being curious allows you to observe criticism as something separate from you and as something you get to choose to let in or not.
2. We don’t have enough information
Uncertainty is one of the most triggering human experiences we can have. This is because our survival brain wants to ensure we are safe. The more predictable an environment is, the more safe we feel. If we have an answer, we have control. If there are blank spaces, our mind tries to fill them in.
I once saw a video of a young girl who was crying because the leaves fell off of a tree. It was autumn, but she didn’t understand why the leaves were falling. She turned towards her parent and asked what she did wrong to make the tree lose its leaves! It was heartbreaking and also adorable.
As adults we know the leaves fall in their natural cycle to preserve resources for winter. But she didn’t understand what was happening, so her brain worked to fill the blank in a way she could understand. “If I’m standing near the tree, I must be doing it!” And while our brains grow out of this particular kind of egoism, we still make similar cognitive leaps in adulthood when trying to understand our ever-changing, uncertain environment.
3. It gives us a sense of control
Let’s say you had caretakers who weren’t able to respond to your needs properly. They ignored or minimized your feelings consistently. It would be really hard, especially as a child, to think, “Well I guess they’re never going to change. I just have to grieve and accept this.” This is a thought we struggle with even as adults.
If we are in an environment that feels unsafe or unpredictable, we want to change it to feel safe and predictable. But the unfortunate thing about being a kid is that you can’t change the adults around you. So the thinking process becomes, “If I can’t change them to feel safe, I have to try to change myself to feel safe.”
If we blame ourselves, it gives us direct answers about what to fix, how to fix it and provides the perception we have control over fixing it. For example, “If I get better grades, Dad won’t be mad anymore. I just have to do better at school”. We start fixating on the things we can do better to make the people around us happier so we can feel safe and loved again. We don't want to disappoint, so we learn to please. It’s a way we learned to protect ourselves and feel in control of changing something hard or scary that was maybe never our responsibility to begin with.
4. We believe it's motivating (it's not)
Self-criticism is often used as a form of motivation, where we push ourselves to achieve more, do better or avoid mistakes. The belief is, "If I'm not tough enough, I'll become complacent and won't meet my goals." This approach is not only unsustainable but it's also damaging.
Self-criticism might feel like a motivator because it taps into our fear of failure or our core belief that we aren't good enough. Maybe it's the language someone else used to try to motivate us. It creates a sense of urgency and pressure to perform better which leads to temporary bursts of productivity, but has some pretty serious negative outcomes.
We would never speak to a friend this way if we were hoping to support them in a goal. We know that if we did they wouldn't want to stay connected to us. (Rightly so!) Speaking to ourselves this way does the same thing. We fracture our relationship with ourselves, we never feel like we've done enough and it can even lead to anxiety or depression.
Self compassion offers a more sustainable way to stay motivated, creating an internal environment that fosters growth over fear.
What is Self Compassion?
Self-compassion, as defined by Dr. Kristin Neff, involves three core components:
Self-Kindness: Treating yourself with warmth and understanding rather than harsh judgment.
Common Humanity: Recognizing that suffering and imperfections are part of the shared human experience.
Mindfulness: Maintaining a balanced awareness of your emotions, neither suppressing nor exaggerating them.
How Do I Practice Self Compassion?
1. Self-Compassionate Letter Writing
How to Practice: Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of a compassionate friend. Acknowledge your struggles, offer understanding, and remind yourself of your strengths.
2. Compassionate Touch
How to Practice: Whenever negative self-talk arises, pause. Place your hand on your heart or wherever you feel tension. Take a few deep breaths and imagine sending warmth and kindness to this part of your body. This simple gesture can ground you and shift your emotional state.
3. Self-Compassion Break
How to Practice: When you’re feeling stressed or critical, pause and take a self-compassion break. Silently or aloud, say: “This is a moment of suffering,” (mindfulness), “Suffering is part of life,” (common humanity), and “May I be kind to myself,” (self-kindness). Follow this with a few deep breaths.
4. Gratitude Journaling
How to Practice: Each day, write down three things you’re grateful for about yourself. This could be qualities you appreciate, things you did well, or ways you showed up for yourself.
5. Practice Self-Compassionate Breathing
How to Practice: Sit comfortably and focus on your breath. As you inhale, imagine breathing in compassion, and as you exhale, imagine releasing any self-criticism or tension. Continue this practice for several minutes, allowing your breath to be a source of comfort.
6. Restorative Yoga and Mindful Movement
How to Practice: Practice restorative yoga poses that encourage relaxation and self-compassion. Poses like child’s pose, legs up the wall, and supported reclined butterfly can be especially nurturing.
7. Creating a Self-Compassion Ritual
How to Practice: Establish a daily ritual that fosters self-compassion. This could be a morning tea ritual, a few minutes of deep breathing, or a nightly gratitude practice.
8. Visualizing Your Inner Child
How to Practice: Close your eyes and visualize yourself as a child. Imagine offering this inner child love, understanding, and comfort, especially during moments of self-criticism.
9. Engage in Creative Expression
How to Practice: Use creative outlets like painting, writing, or playing music to express your emotions. Allow yourself to create freely without judgment, embracing the process over the outcome.
10. Community Mindfulness Walks
How to Practice: Organize or join a group for mindful walks in nature. As you walk, focus on the shared experience of being present together, cultivating a sense of connection with others and the environment. Surrounding yourself with people who treat you positively and are encouraging can help change your narrative.
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