There I was, stuck, staring into the glaring abyss of Instagram. Slowly, my body molded to the shape of my olive green couch as I sank deeper into its cushions. I was still, almost paralyzed by the screen’s pull, but my mind was racing. I couldn’t believe what I was reading— pages of oversimplified information, filled with false promises of happiness, overwhelmed my feed and broke my heart.
On this particular day, I was grappling with the boom of pop psychology that floods the internet. This is not an uncommon frustration among licensed therapists. Ask any one of us, and we’ll grumble about the brash, blanket statements being tossed around—often by people with no training in how to keep others safe while delivering this kind of advice.
I have so much empathy for the people seeking support wherever they can find it. Many of us live with a constant companion of stress or sorrow that we’re desperate to escape. We’ll search high and low for relief, willing to try anything from someone who exudes even a hint of confidence.
I do see some benefit in the social media therapy trend. People have become more open to seeking treatment and have a greater desire for self-awareness. It creates communities and a shared language that we can all understand. It also provides access to resources for those who might otherwise have none. There are even warm, wise therapists sharing posts that promote wellness and safety within their audiences.
However, I also see people using bold, controversial headlines—often with dangerous implications—just to generate likes. They create rigid rules for wellness, assuring you that if you follow their formula (and their page), you’ll achieve some sort of enlightenment. Worse, I hear people misdiagnosing themselves and others with serious mental illnesses. We casually throw around important terminology and allow non-professionals to teach us how to respond to deeply complex issues.
Floating through social media may seem casual, but beyond the direct harm some of the above messages cause, there’s a less obvious undercurrent—a riptide beneath seemingly calm waters.
We’re consistently being told, both directly and indirectly, that we need to be “fixed.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for adopting a growth mindset. I’m a therapist, after all! I believe in people’s capacity for change and the beauty of striving toward something. But we must be mindful of what we’re striving for.
Are you chasing answers because you believe you need to prove your worth? Do you believe you’re inherently broken? The people I see most addicted to self-help and external guidance are often the ones who believe, at their core, that they are not enough and that something or someone outside of themselves holds the key to joy.
There’s a difference between practicing self-care out of a desire to nurture yourself and doing so because you believe you’re unlovable—just like there’s a difference between eating broccoli for its nutrients and eating it because you want to look thinner. The action may be the same, but the intention is entirely different. One is rooted in self-compassion and longevity; the other is rooted in criticism and shame.
We live in an achievement-based society, largely driven by capitalism. In the 1950s, capitalism targeted the home, selling a life of convenience and luxury with dishwashers and TV dinners. Advertisers created a sense of need in our lives by encouraging feelings of lack and longing for their products. As life has become more and more convenient, the capitalist focus has shifted inward—toward ourselves. We’re told we need to learn more, read more, exercise more, earn more degrees in order to keep up. It’s the classic “if, then” mindset: If I do or get this thing, then I’ll be happy. But instead of seeking fulfillment from external objects, we’ve learned to chase information and self-improvement.
People who carry a lot of shame are especially susceptible to this perfectionistic, achievement-driven way of thinking. For those whose caretakers were often disapproving, striving to be better became a survival skill in an environment where acceptance was scarce.
Ultimately, we’re striving for love.
So if we’re jumping through all these hoops for love, why not start with love itself? How would you move through the world if you truly believed you were easy to love? Would it change your routines, your relationships, your thinking?
When we operate from a place of “fixing” ourselves, we reject the parts of us we deem unacceptable. We believe we need to remove or change those aspects to be worthy. This creates a fractured self-relationship and ultimately perpetuates shame and guilt. But what if, instead, you moved closer to the vulnerable, perhaps scared part of you and learned what it truly needs? Can you turn toward what you hope to change with curiosity and compassion? What happens if you speak to it with kindness?
I’m not sure this post offers answers as much as it poses questions.
So many of your answers live deep within you—not in an Instagram post, and not in this blog. Is it wonderful to gather information and gain insight? Absolutely! I love learning more about myself and the world around me. This is not a bid towards complacency. Working towards something that aligns with our values is a pillar in wellness. The point is that we need to grow from a place of nurturance, not from a belief in our own inadequacy. When we take steps in this way, we feel more joyous and connected.
You are person, not a project. You deserve to be loved, not fixed.
I’m here to remind you that you are beautiful as you are. Remember your inherent worth, tap into your strengths, and continue to grow from a place of love and deep acceptance. When we learn to respond with this mindset, our relationship with ourselves improves, and we learn to love and accept others in the same way.
With love,
Kris
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